since you're happy with your new love now, i thought i'd tell you that i regret what we never had.

seriously, what's the point of saying that? did greater people than you ever achieve anything with that line?

ok i know i'm about 2 weeks late here but bear with me.

in 2009, i was just a normal girl.

2 days into 2010, i became an aunt to the cutest little baby girl in the whole world. i could go into how cute jeraldine is, but then it's all over fb already.

it just feels different being an aunt, like i've aged 10-20 years.

i was about to write about my new year's resolution of NOT having any new year's resolutions i can't keep, but now i realise that it's pretty clear to me: my resolution this 2010 is to be a good aunt to baby jeraldine.

forget losing weight, forget being a better person, forget everything. nothing else matters except family.

yeah. ok. happy 2010. peace.

----

yeesh. can't stop thinking about those dreamy blue eyes. stop it! (*go ogle*)

another day, another missed opportunity - why do i always have to fall for the ones who leave?

it's my curse. that the ones who i have a good vibe about never end up staying. the ones that do, are not destined to stay with me. it's like i'm living in the wrong country.

news that two close friends are leaving their jobs and packing for greener pastures overseas really pummelled me. on one hand, i'm sad that they're leaving. nothing will be the same ever again without them around. on the other, i admire them. not for having the guts to go, but having a reason to go, whether it be love or a higher calling.

me? i'm searching for a million reasons to go, but i can't find a reason to not stay. so to quote the barenaked ladies, "i could leave but i'll just stay/all my stuff's here anyway."

i can't get his smile outta my head.

but i'm not going to do anything about it because in my mind, i've already mapped out the next 10 years together with him. it's perfect.

and since it'll be disappointing when (not if) he doesn't turn out the way i imagine him to be, i'm just sitting back and not getting into the game.

i'll just carry his smile in my heart because it just lifts my day so much just thinking about it.

you got it bad when you're out with someone and you keep on thinking about somebody else. - usher "you got it bad"

boy with cute smile added me on fb. hee. i want to ask him out for coffee but i shy.

where would it be?

a deceptively easy question. an appeal to your fantastical imagination. it stumps you for the initial five seconds, then you start to mull over it. warm sunshine-drenched beaches with no one in sight, or snow-capped mountains at the top of the world. perhaps a metropolis if you stayed in a village, or the rambling english countryside if you felt suffocated by the concrete jungle. in your bed if you were practical and logical (or contented), or outer space or a utopian paradise if you were a dreamer. my favourite because i'm a lover, not a dreamer: right next to your partner if you were in love.

the crux of the question is, would you be here?



when i posed this question to sf boy, he also took a while to answer.

he typed: "probably somewhere in the French Countryside, at a beautiful little villa with a pool and lots of birds. somewhere really peaceful and sunny and with history. somewhere there were lots of places to walk and sightsee."

i wanted to say, for me the answer came to me within a second. that i was 100% sure of where i wanted to be and couldn't think of anything else.

right next to you.

but i couldn't bring myself to say it.

----

i'm such a complicated ball of emotions that i teared while watching this.



i know what it's like to have about 200 people doing a mass dance while you're leading up onstage, and it's already an amazing feeling. but this? it's outta this world fantasmic.

after 3 years, 6 months and 8 days of manic highs, depressive lows and everywhere in between, love and hate, on and (mostly) off, being physically together and apart, i called it quits with him.

it ended badly. with a drama-laden relationship such as this, we could never have parted amicably. it got so bad to a point today that i couldn't stand him touching me, couldn't stand being next to him, couldn't even stand the sight of him. it says something when all i remember about us are the fights, the tears (mine), the cold shoulders (his) and the girls' stuff (hers).

today, i wonder what the 21-year-old me ever possibly saw in him. now, we have nothing in common except our history together.

purged him from my life, from FB, from gmail, from twitter...everything. i don't want to talk to him, talk about him or have anything to do with him ever again.

that's it. i'm done. i'm not sorry for what transpired and i'm not going to miss him. he made me the complicated ball of emotions that i am today and all i can say is, "good night and good riddance".